The Worst Question We Can Ask Ourselves Starts With "WHAT IF"

After completing an exhausted and exciting weekend at our FFCC Championships here in Daytona Beach, Florida, I felt a strange energy around me that I have never felt before. I have been doing this sport for a fairly long time - both as a member, director, and staff member, and never truly felt this strangeness. I have felt joy, sorrow, elation, withdrawal, and bitterness. But never this weirdness...

And maybe it WAS the pure exhaustion for the  2 ( and for some others 3) day event.  Maybe is WAS the long conversations with many of my fellow guard staffers as we regaled each other about the season's triumphs and failures, frustrations and victories. Maybe is WAS over joy for the successes of all  my students. Maybe it WAS sadness that for so many, upon leaving that day, meant the season was over. Maybe it WAS the look on all people's faces of awe, disbelief, and satisfaction.

Honestly, with all the cold medication I was on that had stopped working right before retreat, I just was proud I survived and was ready to go home to my comfy bed.

When I finally did get home, I literally dumped my stuff on the floor and changed into my PJs, glitter still in my hair and all. I sat down and ate some applesauce, watching 2 pre-recorded shows, (The Walking Dead and Once Upon a Time) and after a long healthy discussion with a very good guard friend of mine, I passed out.

I woke up this morning, the day after, determined to be productive. With a million things to do on my TO DO list before my flight for Dayton, I still had packing, shopping, and a rehearsal to tech at before I depart at 730am the next day. But instead of starting all those things, I brewed myself a cup of green tea and stopped.

Just stopped.

I stopped running around with the million life and guard life things in front of me and stopped. The constant go-go-go-go-go for the last few months wasn't over but for a brief time, I made myself stop and reflect. I didn't allow the "every second has something scheduled" frantic energy to get me this morning and I decided to stop and sip my tea. MMmmm....green tea with a splash of milk.

It was then I realized what I was feeling.

Guilt.

It's strange to feel that after such a fantastic weekend and season. And I know I am not the only one to feel this, because of the conversations I had this weekend. But several do... these are some of mine...

There was guilt on how messy my  place is and how much mail is in a pile unopened on my kitchen table since January.

There was guilt of having had to be an adult and go to work and miss shows and rehearsals. Which, by the way, is the priority. Let's be honest: Working and paying the bills - your job- is the top priority. You must have a life outside of this activity...  but in the back of your brain, a small voice whispers to you, wondering what is going on because you are not able to be there. And start wondering if you had been there more, would it made it them that much better? or the same?

Guilt of all the dishes in the dishwasher clean but not put away. (and some dirty ones in the sink)

Guilt of knowing that you were sacrificing family and friends to be at rehearsals and knowing they were mad at you because you choose a sport over family.

Guilt of knowing that you were sacrificing rehearsals to spend those precious moments with family knowing that the staff probably needed you there because staffs are teams too and need each other's support.

Guilt of knowing that I haven't called friends back and blown off plans because I had rehearsal or I was just too tired. Or I honestly forgot since I was thinking about the work, family, the next show or rehearsal or did I order the makeup in time for the next show?

Guilt that maybe if you fought a little harder to change that one spot in the show that you just hated but the other staff members didn't that the score would of gone up.

Guilt that if you had spent time with that one student a little more that they wouldn't of dropped or they would of flourished more as a performer.

Guilt because if you had trusted your gut 3 months ago, things might have been different.

All my co-workers know about my teaching. All season they ask me about it. I am lucky in that respect. They don't understand it at all but they know its important to me and that is kinda amazing.  They saw me many a weekend closing --anxiously check my phone waiting for information and results. They asked me what I was doing on my vacation and when I told them I was going to Nationals with Paradigm for the week. They thought it cool and fun but that I  was absolutely crazy. They couldn't believe I would "work" on my vacation then race back to come right back to work and not go lay on a beach sipping cocktails and relaxing.

I type this, sipping my green tea and realize I don't regret the sacrifices I made. I can't get caught up in the "what if's". I made my choices and I am proud of the parts I played. I made a difference- either great or small.

If you are caught up in guilt or regret, release yourself.

Things that I know to be fact:

1.) All you can do is your very best every day. Nothing more and nothing less.

2.) I can only be in 1 place at 1 time. We sacrifice one thing for the sake of something else. The choices we make are choices. Live in them and keep going forward.

3.) If I am feeling guilt, that means I care....A LOT.

4.) You really do need to take time to check your mail mid season. Ugh, this stack of mail is ridiculous.

5.) If people really love and care, they will understand how important it is to you to improve people's lives through being a role model as a coach and they will get over the fact you missed a 3 hour baby shower in the middle of some random Saturday. Just send them diapers. Double bonus is you escaped the baby food taste test! win. win.

6.) Having and keeping good people around you that you trust and can delegate jobs to so you can multi-task other things is like finding a $100 dollar bill in your jeans pocket.

7.) Learn from what was good and what was bad and know for the future how to stay on track.

8.) Trust your gut.

9.) Going to bed with glitter in your hair means you have to do laundry in the morning.

10.) Don't be happy that it is over, be happy that is happened and you were a part of it - whether it is great or small, it was precious.