The Words of a Performer: Her Struggles and Passion

This post is the first in a series of blog posts from performers to performers. This blog post is from Torie Lawton, a 19 year old, student at Lake Sumter State College. Current and first year member of Paradigm. In this post, she describes her first moments in colorguard and how it shaped and changed her life.

Growing up in my household I was always encouraged to stay involved with extracurricular activities, and with that being said...I always did. However, after trying almost every sport imaginable, I learned I wasn't the athletic type of girl. So for a while I stuck to the arts and crafts (hey it counts, right?) I'm not going to lie, I never really figured myself for the performing arts and when it came down to it, I was always the first one to get down and dirty with the guys.

What Started it All:

What really sparked my curiosity in color guard? Well simply put; my neighbor down the road. She babysat me for as long as I could remember, so walking home from school her house was always the first place I went. Almost everyday we would be outside as she practiced; sitting there mesmerized by the flag I was the one who always pushed her to keep going, simply because I loved watching.  Shortly after, I took a trip up north to visit family. Arriving at the airport that night my aunt took me to my first high school football game to watch my cousin perform at halftime. Needless to say, I was excited, especially when I saw how color guard was included in that night's list of events. It was from that point on I realized this was something I wanted to give a try.

A New Beginning:

High school is always the biggest transition. It’s a new place, new people, not to mention older people, and of course new standards. A teens worst fear in high school is not being able to find a place to fit in. For me, just like everyone else, that's where I stood. With the last couple weeks of middle school left it finally hit me; I'm talking a step towards bigger things. Lucky for me recruiting happened that last week before summer, and instantly it felt like colorguard was my "calling." 

The week of tryouts was INSANE! They had me trying things I never thought I could do, which of course included attempting to move my body in impossible ways (at least for me). Never in a week have I hit so many emotions, all of which varying from excitement to pure terror. When the day finally came to show the directors what we had learned I was confident, I mean come on why wouldn't I be? I got the routine going good and with my best friend by my side, what could go wrong?

"Attention: As we work through the list we will call you in one by one for your audition, we wish you the best of luck and we'll see you on the other side."

"The other side...what was this Heaven or Hell!"

Wait what!?!? One by one? Why can't we go in pairs...?  Suddenly panic mode set in. I was freaking out! No way was I about to go in there alone with a bunch of people I didn't know. Hasn’t anyone heard of the term stage fright? Well, come to find out...I had a huge case of that. One of the returning members saw what was going on and came over to reassure me and cheer me up. With her helping me through the routine before I got called the unimaginable happened...somehow she had managed to hit herself with a large amount of force while spinning the flag. Lets just say watching that happen totally made me forget about me being next in line, and more concerned about getting this chick to an ER. I was literally terrorized, and refused to believe that she would be ok. But what could I do? Everyone there was pushing me through the doors that lead to the next room. Standing there before the directors I was frozen in fear, only having the courage to answer the questions they had for me. Finally, the moment of truth....the audition piece.

With all honestly, I barely remember going through my audition that day. The most I remember was how I dropped my toss at the end, and that was it. I think I repressed the rest. Looking back at everything now, those first couple of weeks into guard were the greatest, it was the start of something new and a new season. I was meeting new people who I knew would be in my life for a while, and of course we were learning about our show!

"Apocalypse!"

Apocalypse.....When I hear that word only one thing comes to mind: FMBC State Finals.

Everyone always says your freshman year season is always your favorite out of any other year. Now I don't know about other people, but mine definitely was. Just in those couple of months, I had it all planned out. Color guard was going to be a huge part of my life for a good long while. Lets start at band camp, shall we?

Never in my life had I been up so early in the morning, at least during summer vacation. It was the first day and let me tell you; never did i believe anyone when they told me band camp would open up my eyes to reality. 7am to almost 9pm for two weeks; running around a field in the hot blazing sun kills! It was basically wake up in the morning, get to school, warm up/ working out, then setting drill, lunch break, sectionals, MORE drill, and then announcement before it was time to leave. After the first day or two, lets just say you have it down pat. Band Camp simply put isn’t made for the weak minded. IT'S NOT! 

Starting with a team of I want to say almost 30 girls; there were only 22 of us left after camp. Don’t get me wrong, throughout that year I wanted to quit almost a dozen times, but I never did. As the season progressed it slowed and started to take a turn and not the good kind either. It became more brutal for us. People were quitting left and right. Drill was changed almost every week. The team began fighting with one another and cliques formed. It was tough, almost one of the toughest years I’ve ever had. With that all going on and dealing with the director and staff during practices, I was slowly wearing thin. It felt like I was getting beat down, punished with the band for someone else’s mistake, yelled at for the wrong step, or moving the wrong way. One thing that stayed with me though throughout the season was what my captain that year told me during a camp;

 "Push through, practices will always suck but it's the performances that make it all worth it."

       

I never really understood what she meant, not until our first game. Excitement was in the air as we were all motivated right before halftime. If you had seen me before perform compared to after, you wouldn’t think I was the same person. Right before count off to the show my heart dropped to my stomach, they told us to pretend it was a rehearsal, to have fun with it. But how was I supposed to do that with bleachers full of people? But just like auditions a month or two prior, once the music started I was gone; lost in the music and everything around me. All I could think about was what came next and where I was going. And the next thing I know it's all over, holding there in my closing set I couldn't believe I had just done that! I felt amazing! I was full of adrenaline and ready to perform again. It was in that moment that I realized I would never look at practices the same way again. One way to prove that, was when it was time for us to perform at state. Throughout the season the entire band changed as a whole. We were more confident, braver, excited, and of course dedicated, you could see it in the way we all walked and presented ourselves. When it came down to what I thought was our last performance of the season I got off the field with the biggest smile I’ve ever had, I mean yeah I had some mess ups but the way I felt then and there couldn't be topped; at least that’s what I thought.

When retreat came around I sat anxiously waiting to hear the scores. Slowly they went through class by class and when it came down to us, all I wanted to know was...Did we make finals? As East Ridge was called as 3rd in our class, everyone erupted into cheers! We did it! We were staying for finals! That season taught me so much inside of band and out, and when we headed back to the busses all I personally could think about was "Wow I did it! I made it through the season." Performance that night tops any that I had ever had. Right beforewarm-up, our director Mr. Hart told us how this was our moment, no one else’s. He took us through our season and the hardships we faced, as well as our highlights; and when it came down to it, it was him that told us that this was it. It was our time to make the most of this performance, because that’s all that’s left and we had earned it! 

Watching everyone around me marching onto that field, was amazing. Simply put, we knew we had made it and nothing was going to tear us down. Regardless of placement that night, we were going to just make the most of "now" and have a blast with what we do. And that’s exactly what we did. The feeling at finals was priceless. You cant find it anywhere else. It's something you earn and experience with the people you're with and who work with you. Because in the end you're a part of something bigger than just a band or an extracurricular, or whatever you want to call it. At this point its more of a family, the people you grew with, and stuck with through everything good and bad. It's something that will never leave me, being at East Ridge for that year has taught me so much; and in that year alone I don't think I could have learned it anywhere else. East Ridge is a home to me and always will be.